Ah. Finally the trigger. Was thinking about writing how these days it has come to - waking up in the morning after a long dream about school, feeling like a child and wanting to not come out of the blanket but waiting for your Mom’s ‘ultimatum’ - ‘No breakfast for you if you don’t wake up NOW!’, listening to bollywood songs in the lab in loops, missing India on seeing a box of sweets sent by roommates’ parents, longing to visit the usual CCD you used to hang out at when back in India, having that sudden urge to ride the Scooty Pep/Active/Dio and of course, day-dreaming about things-to-do when you finally touch ‘base’, as one of my friends called it the other day :) This very base was the trigger through the theme song of Amir’s ‘Satyamev Jayte’ (if you haven’t yet, please listen to it here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXg6Usdjl5c)
Being away from the homeland for more than 7 months now, even the smallest of perturbations from the ‘stable state’ result in pangs of missing home, missing India. Agreed I have stayed in the hostel for four years before this, but then, there was always this feeling, I can sit in the train any time and reach home. Or, I can go to the nearest sweets mart to eat rasmalai, or I can hang out at Laxmi relishing Paneer Pasanda :) Here in Ithaca (and obviously, a contributing factor being that Ithaca has less to offer than some other Indian-ised cities like SF or Dallas), every move reminds me of something linked to India, and I go into this infinite loop of missing home - talk to ten people about it, who in turn, miss home and start listing what they miss about India - till finally someone looks into their phone (i.e. see the time) and chuckles, ‘chalo bey, khaana banana hain..’
And then I make the worse mistake of attributing wrong reasons to missing India. Am I really only missing India? Or do I just want to go back to the place where things are so easy, tailor-made for me - I have to do nothing but manage my own acads/work/etc. while other things are served to me ready on the plate? In other words, am I scared of growing up? Of being the sole person responsible for my actions? Of having to bear the consequences of whatever I do... alone? Maybe a little, my heart tells me. What the.., you can’t do that, says my brain, you’re old enough, you are no more a little kid. But I want to be, says the heart. You can’t, period (the brain). In the midst of this brain-heart wrestling, I realise I just burnt my sabjee and even that, now brings tears to my eyes..
Being away from the homeland for more than 7 months now, even the smallest of perturbations from the ‘stable state’ result in pangs of missing home, missing India. Agreed I have stayed in the hostel for four years before this, but then, there was always this feeling, I can sit in the train any time and reach home. Or, I can go to the nearest sweets mart to eat rasmalai, or I can hang out at Laxmi relishing Paneer Pasanda :) Here in Ithaca (and obviously, a contributing factor being that Ithaca has less to offer than some other Indian-ised cities like SF or Dallas), every move reminds me of something linked to India, and I go into this infinite loop of missing home - talk to ten people about it, who in turn, miss home and start listing what they miss about India - till finally someone looks into their phone (i.e. see the time) and chuckles, ‘chalo bey, khaana banana hain..’
And then I make the worse mistake of attributing wrong reasons to missing India. Am I really only missing India? Or do I just want to go back to the place where things are so easy, tailor-made for me - I have to do nothing but manage my own acads/work/etc. while other things are served to me ready on the plate? In other words, am I scared of growing up? Of being the sole person responsible for my actions? Of having to bear the consequences of whatever I do... alone? Maybe a little, my heart tells me. What the.., you can’t do that, says my brain, you’re old enough, you are no more a little kid. But I want to be, says the heart. You can’t, period (the brain). In the midst of this brain-heart wrestling, I realise I just burnt my sabjee and even that, now brings tears to my eyes..
Beautifully Written !!! :)
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ReplyDelete"Being away from the homeland for more than 7 months now, even the smallest of perturbations from the ‘stable state’ result in pangs of missing home, missing India."
Nice post to which I (and I am sure a lot of your fellow friends here) can connect. :)